I have spent 38 of my 37 years worrying about what others think. I am sure that I worried in the womb every time that I caused my mother any sort of discomfort. So, yes, I have always been sensitive and lately, incredibly insecure.
So what do ASHTRAYS IN HEAVEN have to do with my insecurity?
Everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simply put, I want ashtrays in heaven. I really do. This heaven is my fantasy, my heaven. I love smoking therefore, I want ashtrays.
But most of the people who will actually read this, disapprove of smoking. In fact, most of you think that smoking offends God, so there is no way that He would have ashtrays. Many of you tell me that I am going to Heaven, either because of my disability, or the things that I have overcome, or because I am just a super duper guy.
Well guess what, I only want to go to Heaven if I can smoke, if I can be myself. I smoke, I swear, I have tattoos and I am hopefully going to be moving in with my girlfriend soon. All of those things that I have mentioned will keep me from Heaven. At least from the Heaven that I was raised to believe existed.
I am terrified to write this blogpost. I hate being myself in front of people that I am sure will disapprove of the choices that I am making. Unfortunately, everyone says that they still love me, but I wonder if behind my back they are praying that I will change and see the error of my ways.
I see the point of all of you who are praying for me. I was raised Mormon and I have had periods of intense activity in the church. I looked down on people who are like the way that I am now. So I am afraid that so many of you are looking down on me. Or worse, I am afraid that you are patronizing me.
I feel sad that, as Tiny Tim said, why can't we all just get along. Why can't there be a smoking section behind those pearly gates? Why can't I feel more comfortable being myself? Why can't I say what is really on my mind?
Because I am terrified of all you Heaven bound people. Terrified that we all love each other so much, but we seem so different. Terrified that you will disapprove of me.
But after writing this post, I really feel better. I am who I am. And if there is a smoking section in Heaven, I will be there. If not, I sincerely pray that I will go someplace where I feel comfortable.
But hopefully I still have many years left on this planet. I will just live for today, try to be more honest, and test the love that you all have for me. My only option is to be myself. The swearing, smoking, tattooed, sinning self.
Steve
