Smoking is horrible, so why do I love it so much?

Even as I start to write this post on all the reasons I want to quit smoking, I want a cigarette!  In fact, before I am done, more than likely I will go out and have one.

I have smoked on and off for 11 years.  I remember the first cigarette I had, I mean I REALLY smoked.  I had puffed a few here and there, but never inhaled.  I was in a club in Salt Lake City, Utah and the guy sitting next to me asked if I wanted to learn how to really smoke a cigarette?  I said sure!  I did not want to look like a wimp.  Breathe in the smoke and swallow it.  I did, and you guessed it, I gagged and coughed and coughed!

But after I was done coming close to death, I felt "it."  The nicotine buzz.  A calm, blanket like feeling washed over me.  As I write I feel that same feeling.  In fact that memory just put a smile on my face!

So yeah, smoking makes me feel great.  It, the smoking, has been my safe place.  Years ago I explained to my brother that smoking meant three things to me.  First, it meant that I had money.  (Can't smoke if you can't afford to buy them!  You can mooch, but no one likes a mooch!)  Second, cigarettes keep me from feeling alone and exposed.  They are a great companion.  I may be by myself, but those cigarettes keep me from really feeling the pain of loneliness.  Third, cigarettes are sacred to me.  I have a spiritual connection with the tobacco, the act of smoking, and the feeling I get when I smoke.  I don't smoke any old cigarette, I smoke American Spirit Organic cigarettes.  No fillers, no chemicals, just tobacco.

But.....As the box of wonderful cigarettes itself says, no additives does not make a safer cigarette.  I cough, I wheeze, I get out of breath easily, I smell, I spend $300 a month on cigarettes.  Just to name a few of the side effects.

Yes.  The cigarettes are killing me slowly, and practically bankrupting me.  I have a set budget every month, and my tobacco habit takes up roughly a third of my income.  A third!  But the expense, the health risks, and the everything else is not enough to get me to quit.  I want to get in shape so badly, but the smoking gets in the way of that.  Smoking really gets in the way of everything!

But as I contemplate walking away from this awesome and horrible habit, I am terrified.  Terrified to be "on my own," terrified to get rid and be free of this crutch, terrified to lose my only excuse for not working out.  Terrified to be like all the other non-smokers.  (I like to be on the fringes I guess)  Terrified.  Terrified.  Terrified.

A lot of catch phrases and cheery phrases are running through my head that I feel I should write.  But I am not going to write them.  Instead I am going to leave this post as a to be continued......

We shall see if I can quit.  I want to, but are my desires strong enough?