Why did it take me almost two years to start this blog?

 I had the idea to start this blog when I was in the pysch ward at the University of Utah hospital in late October of 2010.  I have had massive encouragement over the years to write about my life.  My psychologist, my friends, my family, have all encouraged me to write.  So like the title of this blog post says, why have I waited two years?

1. Who the hell am I?  I am a sliver of my true self on a daily basis.  I love to please people. So......I am fake most of the time.  I figured I would have a hard time being transparent on this blog, which is my goal, when I am always hiding my self from: Myself, my family, my friends, and the Universe.  (The Universe is my code word for God.  I was a practicing Mormon for 35 years.  I left the church for good earlier this year.  As of now I have a very confused concept of God, so we will just call him/her/it/them the Universe)  Hiding, always hiding.  Even as I write, I am still hiding.  This cloak and dagger identity stuff really gets in my way, but for some reason hiding is safe.  If no one knows who I am, no one can hurt me.  I cannot be disappointed either.  I have waited two years because I did not want to be honest with myself and definitely did not want to be honest on the Internet.  I figured, Why Bother?
2. The better and inspiring the goal, the longer I wait to start!  I am a vicious procrastinator.  I was just sitting in a local pharmacy waiting to pick up some medication and I was thinking about my smoke detector.  The batteries had died a few days before and I needed to buy batteries.  The store that sold the batteries was literally 100 feet away.  But I had to struggle to go and buy batteries.  I wanted to procrastinate even that simple task.  I guess my reasons for procrastinating are similar to my reasons for hiding.  I don't want to get hurt.  I would rather live with the eternal disappointment that comes from procrastinating, than deal with the painful feelings that active failure brings.  So for many years I have sat in my emotional corner in "time out", dunce cap on my hand, sucking my thumb, with shoulders shaking from my sobs.
3. I am a wimp!  I am not really a wimp, I just pretend to be.  But I have pretended for so long, and I bury my strengths all the time, that it is almost impossible to pull my head out of the proverbial sand.  I ignore my strengths, focus on my weaknesses and continue to sit in the corner, as I mentioned above.  Strength may face and overcome fear, but I have to tap into that strength before I can overcome the fear.  And I am afraid to face the fear.  A vicious cycle indeed

So there you have it!  My first blog entry.  My first thought is that it is not perfect, etc, etc.  But with the  publish button pushed, I hope to start on the path of overcoming the reasons that I mentioned above.  Baby steps, right!  Join me on my journey, and "come walk in my shoes."  May the universe bless you and keep you well this fine day!